Feel
by skyofpie
Summary: "Like any type of sadness, this is something she feels in her throat, that practically chokes her as she tries to explain to Austin what's just happened. She's lucky that he's such a good listener; that he knows exactly what he's supposed to say as tears begin rolling down her cheeks."


**Heartbreak**

Like any type of sadness, this is something she feels in her throat, that practically chokes her as she tries to explain to Austin what's just happened. She's lucky that he's such a good listener; that he knows exactly what he's supposed to say as tears begin rolling down her cheeks.

"Hey. Ally. Keon's a dick for hurting you. I know you like to give people second chances, but let me tell you now, he doesn't even deserve that. You should be glad you got rid of him."

But she's not the slightest bit glad, and she doesn't know how she's ever going to be glad about this, because she'd _really liked_ Keon, in his eagerness to learn so much about music, and in the way he'd never rolled his eyes at her ridiculous jokes like everyone else did. In the way he'd kiss her forehead and called her adorable, when he thought she needed the little boost of self-esteem.

She can't possibly be glad, because all of the feelings she'd always had for him, she'd believed he mimicked whole-heartedly.

"More like _he_ got rid of _me_." The light flow of tears transitions into quiet sobs, muffled as Austin puts an arm around her and pulls her close to his chest, and even though she _hates_ crying in front of him, she can't seem to stop.

"Well he did you a favor then, didn't he?" He whispers these words into her hair.

She wants to argue with him, but she's too exhausted, both physically and emotionally. And eventually, as he holds her, the sobbing subsides.

But the feeling in her throat does not.

**Melancholia**  
This is a bittersweet chest feeling. Like a tingling sensation, despair dissolving her inside out. Well, that's a bit too dramatic. But, she decides, it's still how she feels. She's not sad enough to cry about it anymore, she's worn out that part of her. But she can't bring herself to smile without remembering all of the reasons she used to smile. And the fact that she no longer can smile for those reasons. And by then, she's not much in a smiling mood.

There are two downsides to this feeling. The first one is that it makes it hard to ever feel anything else. She can't seem to feel as happy as she should for her father, when his store is announced one of the top music stores in Florida. She can pretend to be interested, but she's certainly not as amused as she once was over Trish's never ending Today-I-Got-Fired-Because stories. She's unable to feel real pity for Dez when he bursts into Sonic Boom shouting cries of sorrow because his pet ferret Bootsy just died.

It kinda sucks, Ally decides, to be a robot.

The second problem is that it worries Austin far too much.

She sits at the piano, fingers poised and ready to play, but unmoving. And yes, originally, she was going to play something, but now she doesn't know if she can. She puts her hands down.

"What were you gonna play?" Austin asks from the doorway, and Ally spins around.

"I...wasn't. I'm not. Not really in the mood." She can see the frown flicker across for a split-second, and then he puts on a neutral expression and joins her at the the piano. He does play something, and though she doesn't recognize it, she decides she likes it. Huh. It's been a long time since she's thoroughly enjoyed something so simple as a song. "That's good," she whispers, and she can see in his eyes that he's glad she's glad again.

And then she remembers how Keon would say the same thing every time she'd play something for him and she's ultimately un-gladdened.

"What's wrong?" Austin asks, putting an arm around her. She shrugs.

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"And Trish is employee of the month." He doesn't say anything after that, just gazes at her for a couple moments, and only then does she see how frustrated he is. It's odd how often his eyes change. Ally sighs.

"I'm sorry. Are you mad?" He rests his chin on the top of her head.

"Not at you."

**Anxiety**

She can almost pinpoint exactly where, in the pit of her stomach, the feeling is coming from. It's not severe anxiety. She's not going to succumb to any attacks like her mother used to do. In fact, it's not even a real issue. Anyone else would laugh about her reasons for being so nervous.

She'd already been speculating that she might possibly be over Keon for good, but now that she's certain, she's not sure what to do. It's not like she woke up and thought, _Hey, let's like Austin today! _It took a midmorning phone call, a lot of goosebumps, and possibly his groggy morning voice, but that's still an undetermined factor.

This is going to be problematic.

"Trish, I have a situation." At nine in the morning, Austin's voice was a little tired, but at twelve thirty PM, while Ally is at work, Trish's half-asleep drawl is almost unintelligible.

"But it's important! I mean, not emergency important, unless you hold an exaggerative sort of perspective, then you might consider it an emergency, but it's really nothing to alert the authorities about-or anyone for that matter, even though I alerted you so I guess that's _someone-_" Ally is cut off by a loud snore.

For a brief-_very brief_-moment, she considers calling Dez, and then she chuckles to herself. God, the nerves must be going to her head.

She puts her phone down and leans lazily against the counter, because only one person has bought anything today, and that was a harmonica. She could just leave, lock up the store, and it wouldn't affect business at all.

She considers it until Austin walks in, and suddenly she's filled with the same sort of panic she'd experienced earlier, except now he can see her face.

"Hey, Ally," he greets her, leaning over the opposite end of the counter.

"No! I mean, welcome to Sonic Boom-I mean...what?" Luckily, instead of asking if she's sure she's emotionally stable (like she's asking herself), Austin simply chuckles.

"Tired?"

"Something like that. I only-" she cuts herself off, and abruptly ducks behind the counter. Austin turns to see Keon through the glass doors. Still too far to see them, but purposefully walking towards the store.

"Stay where you are," he mutters, and now there's a different sort of anxiety mixing with her blood, but it still feels almost the same. A moment later, she hears _his _voice.

"Hey Austin, do you-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, Keon. You can't come in here."

"What are you talking about? The doors are wide opened, I can-"

"Oh, Keon. We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone." Austin points to the message above the door. In a stage whisper, he adds, "That means you." His voice returns to a normal tone. "So leave, or I swear-"

"Ally!" Keon calls, and Ally winces. "Ally I'm just here to say I'm-"

"Shut up, dickhead. She's not even here. But if she were, she'd want you out as much as I do." Ally's pretty sure she's never even heard Austin this angry before. It's almost scary

"Look, I'll leave if you promise to tell Ally that I love h-" Ally cringes as she hears a punch, and then Keon cries out.

"What the fuck, man!"

"Did that hurt, Keon? Because let me tell you something. The pain you might be feeling right now, that's _nothing_ compared to the hell you put Ally through. You don't even deserve to love her. Leave now, or I will put _you_ through hell."

Ally brings her knees to her chest as she waits for him to go. There's no more speaking, but a minute later Austin peers over the countertop, and Ally stands and rushes to him.

"Thank you," she murmurs, hugging him as tightly as she can (which isn't saying very much). "Thank you, thank you, you are the _best_." She's not even thinking about how she might possibly be in love with him. She's just glad he's _there._

**Fury**

Anger does not come easy to Ally, but when it does, it takes place in her mind. For a split second, her world blurs, and when it comes back into focus, nothing feels the same.

"You promised." Her voice is steely, yet she's speaking barely above a whisper. Austin raises his gaze from his lap, remorse in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Ally. I didn't realize the dates would clash, Trish forced me to choose-"

"And look what you chose! This was gonna be my big break, Austin, and you had to be so _selfish_ and ruin it for me!" She's sounding a lot louder than a whisper now. Austin sighs.

"You're right. I'm sorry. Maybe you could reschedule-"

"_Reschedule_!" Ally cries out in disbelief. She continues in a fully-enraged shout. "Sure I reschedule. I put my dream on hold while you go live out your meaningless ones for the millionth time; that seems fair, right?"

"No, I know it's not, Ally." His serenity irks her beyond the anger that is already taking over her head. "I don't see why you need me to be there though." It's almost like having her heart broken all over again, except so, so much worse.

"You _idiot_! How can you just _say_ that?! How many concerts of yours have I missed, huh? And this is what I get in return? You're a horrible partner, and an even worse friend!"

"Don't you think I know that?" She clenches her fists at his ability to remain so cool.

"Why aren't you yelling back at me?! Why are you so okay with all of this? Just get out of my store, Austin, and please don't even _think _about coming back."

He gets up so easily she wants to cry. _Stop. You're supposed to fight for me._

"You don't deserve to be screamed at, Alls. I'll see you...when you wanna see me." He leaves, closing the door gently behind him.

"Ally throws her book across the practice room, and it opens as it hits the floor.

"Sorry, book," she murmurs as she trudges across the room to retrieve it. "It's not your fault."

How's a book to know that she can't do _anything_ without him? That yes, she does need him there, she always needs him. It's not the book who's just cast all of that aside

**Numbness**

Well, this is more of what she _doesn't_ feel. She's three steps away from her dream, and he's not even here to see it. She's running through the lyrics in her head, lyrics that for the first time in a long time, are completely her own. No help from any not-so-loyal partners.

In all honesty, this song isn't the best if she's thinking about forgiving him. Singing this song will mean _he_ needs to forgive _her_, in turn.

Three minutes until she's on. Three steps until all eyes are on her. She tries to remember some breathing exercises her mother has taught her, exercises she'd previously deemed ridiculous. And funnily enough, she's not breathing because she's nervous. She's breathing because she wants to convince herself to _feel. _She wants to get out of this frozen state her mind has been in. She wants to feel nerves churning her stomach, she wants to feel the bittersweetness in her chest, she wants to feel sad, or angry, or even joy, though that doesn't seem very plausible at the moment. _Anything._

"Time," Trish whispers.

One, two, three steps and Ally is onstage. Seven more strides and the microphone is in her hand. She's ready to sing, and wondering why this is so _easy_. If it's always like this, she could've conquered stage fright years ago.

And then something happens. Suddenly, Ally isn't numb. Suddenly, she knows she can't sing this song. Suddenly, she doesn't think she can sing at all. For a split second she wonders what will be more embarrassing: standing on stage like an idiot, frozen forever, or fleeing the stage while she can still get her legs to move.

Well, no one can see her backstage.

_She _can barely see; her vision is blurred by tears that shouldn't exist. She crashes right into Trish as soon as she's behind curtains.

Or maybe not Trish. Her friend is definitely off to the right, frantically trying to calm the stage manager who seems to know a lot about fury.

"I'm not here to see you run," Austin mumbles into her hair, pulling her in for a hug. Ally can't help but cry a little bit. She's feeling everything that isn't numb./

**Joy**

This she can feel when her cheeks hurt from smiling so much, when her stomach hurts from too much laughter. This she can feel when she's with Austin

When he takes her hand or kisses her forehead or really is just _there_ in general. It always seems to come down to that.

They're in his living room, both curled up under a blanket and watching a movie. His arm is around her waist, and she's practically on his lap. He leans down and kisses her temple, and Ally doesn't just feel overly content, she feels safe.


End file.
